Thursday, December 5, 2013
RTTTT: Race to the Top Toys, Fully Aligned with the Common Core1. This beautiful Potty Training Dolly comes complete with milk bottles, diapers (because accidents will happen), a potty-training manual and a set of Common Core State Standards which makes great reading matter for your child while he or she finds himself less than busy with the business in the bathroom. This product has been approved by forty-five states, the District of Columbia, four territories, and the Department of Defense Education Activity. Register your product upon purchase and you stand to receive lucrative rebates and tax incentives from the federal government.2. The RTTT Bed Set will bedazzle your child. Bring your new baby home to a brightly colored world of scantron-themed bedding, mobiles and sharpened #2 pencil pillows. Be the envy on your block of other college- bound babies
3. One of our Common-Core crowd pleasers. This Lego plane comes only partially built with significant pieces missing from the kit. There are some fatal flaws in its construction and it’s up to your child to figure them out. Young minds are challenged to finish building this behemoth in mid-air. Just watch out below.
4. This Mr. Potato Head will make the eyes pop out of your potatoes. He comes fully equipped with anatomical charts worthy of the master, Leonardo da Vinci, himself. Inside you will find a full set of internal organs and a pamphlet advising a program of exercise and caloric reduction to reduce his girth. The manual is filled with helpful pointers about possible side effects of potato obesity. As Mr. Potato Head trades in his sugary, oversized beverages for V8 juice, you can trade in his internal organs for a less fatty set. Guaranteed to put your child on the right track to a slim and informed future.
5. For the child who has everything, we present the recently released RTTTT Exceptionally Bouncy Square Ball. As your child tries to engage in a host of traditional ball games, he will be prompted to use his mind in new ways to navigate around the problem of this ball’s shape. As he does so, he will have the opportunity to view a three-dimensional projection of his own world on the cube. Upon its six equal sides, no continent finds favor over another. With this toy in hand, love of geography will follow your budding scholar from the crib to college. Buy it now. Supplies are limited.
6. Teletubbies can now carry their PBS duties further than ever. These adorable, plush toys have been programmed with the lectures of great professors and other luminaries. Place the teletubby in the crib and watch him make your child college-ready and his future professors obsolete. Cuddly, too!
(Inset slightly enlarged to realistically portray the sharpness of the image your child will see)7. This charming jump rope comes equipped with the latest technology, including a heart- rate monitor and microphones at each end. The microphones will ask your child Common-Core-based questions as she jumps to ensure her academic fitness equals her physical fitness. If your child is not working the rope at an ideal heart rate or she fails to answer the quizzes correctly, the microphones shout encouraging phrases at her like, “You’ll never get to college at this rate”; “Pick it up or you’ll die fat and stupid.” Upon initial use, your child will probably not meet the standards of the rope.* But with encouragement from the rope and you, she will soon touch the sky.* Consumers are reporting an average academic and physical fitness failure rate of 70%.
8. Your child will be off to the races with a new twist on a very old game. Charm your friends and neighbors with the RTTTT version of Boomerang Horseshoes. Watch the surprise and delight in your child’s eyes when he throws the horseshoe and it comes straight back at him. Your child and his friends will laugh to their heart’s delight as they duck and dive to avoid being hit by these cast iron horseshoes. Have a Bloombergerang time!
9. Remember the Etch-A-Sketch of your past. In the latest upgrade, you no longer need to turn knobs to create some very poor artistic creations, indeed! Given the move away from funding for the arts, you will be more than pleased to have your child’s eyes light up with a screen that links him directly from his crib with a full range of Pearson resources. Never before has test prep been so easy and so much fun!
10. The best advice RTTT Toys can give you is scrap the toys of the past. It’s time for a radical overhaul. Give your child the empty Common Core box instead. It allows limitless space for intellectual growth.